Who Am I

i've forgotten whom am i already ever since i started my relationship. I'm a totally different person already. what am i doing? why am i doing this to torture myself? i seriously need a break so much. I;ve been thinking all these while why can i lead a good life myself. why do i need to change for someone? too many question too many doubt. am i suppose to continue this road or should i end it. miracle dun happen and will never happen.i trust only myself that fate is in my hand, i juz need to be more firm in wat im doin. after such a long time im still feeling that way. does that mean i dun trust him or i juz simply dun have enough confidence in me. out of sudden too many question and too many doubt. why can i have the life i wan. why can i fight for wat i wan. why cant i love myself more. why cant i be more selfish. why why why why? there is so many why in my head that i will never get an answer. why cant i meet someone who really will be there for me whenever i need them. why must i force myself to accept the fate that i dun wan. why cant i change my own fate when i actually believe that fate is in my hand. did i push myself in this deep hole. did my decision make me like this? am i wrong? i shouldnt have these feeling with a 3 yrs relationship. i didnt do enough? or ppl juz take thing for granted? i dun feel secure whenever im with him. why? i juz wan a very simple life. why cant you give me? why must be im the one who scarify and not you? arent you suppose to be able to give me wat i wan before u r with me? when you say u love someone dun u think that you should give her happiness and not miserable life. whay are u torturing someone that you claim u love so much? did i take thing for granted? did i asked too much? i gave you all my time in return wat have you gave me? insecurity! i didnt do enough? wat else can i do? why, what, where, when so many question that has not been answered.

What Exactly or How Much You Wan Me To Do??!!??!!

I seriously dun understand what exactly am i doing. I'm not suppose to do all these is all non of my business. Out of kindness i help but you all take things for granted. Start feeding me with more and more thinking that it is suppose to be the way. Economy crisis is jus an excuse for you all to take me for granted. Threathening ppl, scare ppl, make everyone thinks that without u everyone will die. Acting being generous but in fact you are juz taking them for granted. WHY AM I SO STUPID to still staying here where ppl dun respect you , ppl dun treat u like a human but a dog. WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!! Stop being so unfair..... Without you, i'll still have a wonderful life or even better. I dun wan to continue to be like this anymore, i dun wan juz to sit down and nodding my head all the time. STOP ACTING GENEROUS WHEN YOU ARE NOT!!!!!!!!



I dun even get a thank you word from you no matter what i do. You juz treat me like a dog, oh no worse than a dog. Not even a compliment from you. WHY do i still continue staying here. Not even a thank you after doing so much. If you wan ppl to leave tell them straight in their face dun have to feed them with more thing make them leave themselve is not going to make you a good person anyway.



WHAT EXACTLY THE F%^K IS WRONG HERE.........!





What have i done wrong to be treated like this? Why issit so unfair.... Eventhough i know there is no such thing as fair in this world but what have i done wrong to be treat like this?

All R LieS.....................

Today i found smthing that make me realise that all are lies..........

i dunno is that i been sensitive or issit is smthing that i dun wan to admit all these time. i really dunno what to do. i tried my best to trust you but y dun you make smthing to make me trust you. y must i force myself to trust you? y do u have to treat me like this? wat have i done wrong for you to treat me like this? if you cant let go den by all means hold on to wat you have n let me go..............

dun be so selfish.................

just let me go......... dun mees up my life like tat......... no point being together if you cant let go after 2 yrs such a long time. i know there is nothing to compare to 8 yrs of relation. you r really very selfish.... y do u wan to torture my life like tat? wat have i done wrong to deserve this? i never ask you to let go ur 8 yrs gf to be with me. you r the one who says that you wan to be with me but y till now you still dun wan to admit that you never ever once let go the past? what am i to u? a person for you to take revenge on ur ex? why why why?????????? i dun deserve this...........

Let Me Go.................

Long Weekend

After a long weekend rest yet i still feel very tired....

Maybe i should make some changes in my life.... Well i cant be like this for the rest of my life, before everything is too late maybe i should start to think carefully what i really wan in my life. Should i just continue with what im doin now or should i make a big step out for a better future? Good question.....Hmmzzz......

Maybe i should start by thinking what exactly that i really wan in life...

Well talk about long weekend....

It is really really very bored weekend as i can say.... Watched Butterfly Lover on Friday night. Well surprisingly that my boyfriend actually bought the ticket to watch with me for once he watch this kind of movie with me as he never like this type of show cuz to him is a waste of time and money but he did make an afford to company me watch is really nice of him to do so. Thank you very much. I appreciate what he did. Saturday was the most terrible day of my life....stayed home the whole day never even step out of the house the whole day. I almost bored to death....

Since that Friday night and Saturday night never go out clubbling so i manage to persuade my boyfriend to go out on Sunday night but then is a bit disappointed. Wasn't really that fun anymore. Well looks like is time for me to stop clubbing le since is no longer that fun anymore. As usual i never club enough for me to say that i wanna go home is owes smthing else that happen make me with no choice but to go home un-willingly, well no choice. Maybe i should just stop as there is no more fun anymore no point make myself so unhappy whenever i go out.

~ GOOD LUCK TO ME ~

~ FRIDAY ~

Today is Friday again.......

As usual every monday when i start work i'll think of Friday but today im not really that happy I also dunno why.....Usually when friday comes i'll be very happy maybe because for the past 1 month plus every friday i'll go out clubbing but from now onwards i decided to quit clubbing so a bit sad....Because of him i stop clubbing for 2 yrs my precious 2 yrs......what to do i dun wan him to walk back his old life style so i may need to sacrifice a bit of my lifestyle. Although im not really happy about it but when i think back it is worth for me to do so at least now he is a better man. What to do.... Love is owes selfish.....

I really think that i should consider of quiting my job do smthin better, I dun wan to do admin for the rest of my life, not like that i dun have any other qualification for other job, to think of it i really need to plan my future now as i dun have much time to drag again or not i'll surely regret for wasting my time doin things that i dun like. The worse part is that my current job have a good pay, come here do nothin pass time pass time, yet is so damn near my place, i just need to walk to work. What am i suppose to do? Should i just continue with what im doin now? Or should i persue what i really wan in life? Is there anyone that can help me? Is not that easy for me to adapt a new working enviroment, new things.....

What am i suppose to do???????????????

I've been thinking for quite smtimes but den i just dun dare to step out because i'm really afraid that i cannot accept the changes. Haiz...Guess im nothing but just a coward. No choice i dun wan to destroy my own life without proper planning. I cannot afford to lose anything. Well i guess i may need to wait for another few yrs before i make a desicion.

FRIDAY???? Why am i feeling so down this friday? Cant i be more happier? Is a long weekend...... COme on be happier!!! Is a time for some rest after such a busy week.....

I really love clubbing so much to the extent whenever i hear that i have a chance to go clubbing there is owes a smile on my face. But i should be contented with what i have now and is enough for me le should really stop.... I can never once say no to clubbing. This is smthing i must change. Whenever ppl ask to go clubbing and i cant go i'll be very very upset wan lei.... No good No good.....Shouldnt be this way....Haiz..... Im really very very bored...........

~ B ~ O ~ R ~ E ~ D ~

LiFe

Haiz.... as usual at work in the morning feeling very sick yet no one cares including my boyfriend... I seriously dun understand why ....

After wat i said to him few weeks back it seem tat our relationship haven been so well... Guess i really mess up everything. I should have juz keep my mouth shut or either be firm with my decision that time but i couldn't make it as i really treasure this relationship so much that i really dun wan to let go but smtimes when i think about it i feel like im wasting my time on things that i have no confidence in. what am i suppose to do? i noe im gonna regret letting go this relation but i really feel insecure when im with him. maybe is because of how we start in this relationship that makes me feel so insecure . Although he have been treating me very nice or even give in to me everytime yet i still feel insecure. He never throw his temper on me no matter how unreasonable i am he juz wont get angry. Issit because he love me too much that he cannot bare to even scold me? or is he juz trying to persuade himself that in a relationship there should be give and take? but what he is doin making me more insecure because he never show his true color to me... to me i feels that juz the mattter of time that he will exploded and said forget it i dun wan anymore. den wat am i suppose to do when this day come? should i be happy that he finally let me go? or should i blame myself never try hard enuf to understand his needs?

Whenever he tells me that is none of my business that he break up with his ex-gf but is not convince enuf for me. I owes thought that he is using me to forget his 8 yrs gf. wat ever he says to me never ever once convince me that he doesnt love his ex-gf anymore and is me that he love. 8 yrs lei how do u expect me to believe that? I tried my best to believe in him but Im someone who will never ever make myself hurt. I agree that im selfish, im juz protecting myself, i dun wan to get hurt. Issit wrong? is not the 1st time i tell u that i wan to break up, i know whenever i say this u will be very hurt but im really scare that one day when u come and tell me that u dun wan me anymore.... is not that i cannot take it, is juz that i dun wan to waste my time dragging with you when i have no confidence at all that im gonna be with you till the end.

Lately after what happen i see changes in u. So r u gonna fix the 2 yr thing? if you do pls let me noe. is not that i dun love u is juz tat i dun think that we can be together so y wanna waste our time. To me you never show that u gonna be with me for the rest of your life. do you noe that when you say that you wanna make me pregnant im really very scare u noe. but u never once say that you wan to married me, u only says that u wan the baby. so wat do u think that will come to my mind? you never care bout me at all wat u care is u wan babies only. do u think that whenever u said all these is funny if you trying to tell me that is juz joking? i dun take this kind of jokes lo i take it seriously to the extentd i think that i should juz let go this relationship as i dun see a point of happiness with you in my future.

You said this b4 :
there is this 2 person walking on the beach but end up with only one foots step is not because the other person have been left out but is been carried by the other person. i remember this very well because i wanna tell you that i wanna walk with you side by side not by you carry-ing me in the back. remember the reason that i tell u? if you dun wan to face everything with me den y do u need me for? arent you tired?

In love is a wonderful thing but why it feels so tiring to me.

21 August 2006

he came to my hs i very happy but den everytime ppl come my hs will do the same thing wan which is watch tv den slep den i cant slep...haiz...sianz...i dun like this feeling but no choice but to accept cuz there is nothin i can do oso.i fuckin damn broke now left wif nothin....no more money left tomolo hav to eat grass le....my cigarette finish le somemore...den now cant slep will definitly smoke alot wan lo...tomolo no money to eat le no cigarette somemore damn it la regreted so much i bought the bracelet n the ring cost me 300 wif that 300 i can do alot of thing sia...damn angry la...
now i alone here writting my blog i thought he came find me he suppose to talk to me not sleeping...anyway cant really blame him oso he got to work...more things for him to do.haiz...now i cant slep...early in the morning i wake up at 9 den go find leyna den came back to my place i pack my room at least not so messy now....but den haiz,,,,one whole day of doin things even worse den working in the end of the day he juz slep den left me alone...haha....funny....y would i waste such a time doin all these shit when ppl r not appreciate it.well nevermind one time can le....everytime like this ppl will juz take thing for granted....
ppl say that it will only last for 3 months...lets juz sit n wait....everyone saying the same thing so wat do u think?i start to feel very insecure since everyone saying the same thing which mean thing will not work out fine... although we might go through the 3 months but will juz only to proof to ppl that we can b together so no point lo...my b the other person suit u more lo.u shouldn't hav choose me in the 1st place...now almost everyone noe le...initially i wan everything to secret cuz i noe there will b ppl saying this but looks like quite alot ppl noe le.i start to feel very scare the feeling now is diff le...no longer like 1 week back...everyime i blog i can never post it cuz wat ever i say inside here cant let anyone noe...i very xin ku ar...i cant share anything to anyone beside leyna moreover leyna can never understand how i feel.she will only say aiya...juz go ahead lo.now all i can do is write it out hopefully one day i can post lo...nobody noe how i feel....i really love u alot lo....thats y when ppl say tat we cant last 3 months...i feel very sad lo...cuz the person who say this is the person who close to u lo.they noe u well enuf to judge lo.what should i do sia...my most active time is at nite but ur most active time is on the day so i dun think we can really communicate well.i can only think at nite n oso at nite is where i most sensitive time i tend to think more...everytime i can slep n it owes happen when i hav to work next day.sianz.....y everytime like tat...y cant i hav a peaceful nite wan everytime.i seriously very tired le.
wat happen nowadays make me think alot.wat margaret say wat u tell me bout wat jason say.bout wat my sis say to me.everyone juz think tat we cant last long we juz been together for like 2 weeks...ppl juz pour ice water on me...why why why why?????????since is so hard y dun u juz go back to ur gf i think she suit u better since everyone else oso tink so y not u juz give ur gf another chance...mayb she will b more sensitive to ur feeling after wat happen.y not u think n try to give her another chance?u wan to take a break den when u wake up le u let me noe den is time for me to leave u.dun make me drop so deep le den leave me let me hav some time to prepare.i hav a very bad feeling that these day will come very soon...i very scare le cuz i noe i love u le....i oso hav a feeling we wont work out...remember i told u i think alot wan espeacially at nite when im alone...u r here but u slept i noe u r tired so i dun wan to disturb u but...mayb i think too much....let juz hope this nice moment will last a bit more longer mayb at tat time i'll b very sad but is ok i juz wan to spend more time wif u.but looks like we dun hav much time together as u n i hav to work....i rally very long never cry le but i cry twice which is when i wrote this blog n another one....being in love is not like ta wan should b happy everyime wan but y would i cry weird....i not happy i dun dare to let u noe....i cry oso i dun dare to let u noe...i feel so useless to compare to ur gf mayb u should give her a chance....since everyonr think tat is bczu of me u break wif ur gf it make me more guilty...i remember i told u i dun like ppl saying this...i dun care whoever it is i juz dun like ppl say me.
u noe y i keep lookin at u?cuz i noe i would lose u one day n this day will come soon...tats y i wan to cherish every single moment when im wif u.god wont treat me so nice wan....dear dear im sorry to say all these but i really dun feel nice....y dun u juz let me go...only 2 weeks nia i cried twice when i think of this but wat if is longer?how would i feel?i really dun dare to think lo....after writting all these out i feeling much more better n can think more straight....write everything out leden i think i can sleep le....now i should continue think to the bright sight....this happen all the time when nite falls....sianz...y would i b so emotional at nite all the time...haiz...how i wish u r awake to company me den i wont think so much but too bad u too tired to company me le...nothin i can do oso u need rest....i juz cant find anyone tat really suit my timing....wat should i do to make a person understand how i feel when is nite time?am i askin too much?well if that is the case den there is really nothin i can do...guess u wont noe me well enuf if the timing is not rite for us...